One of the Lucky ones: A year with D.

It’s hard to believe it was just over a year ago that I first met my nephew when he was 10 months old. That after a few phone calls from my brother and social workers, it was decided it was best that he come and live with my parents for a while. There were so many emotions….so many unanswered questions. December marked a new beginning, not only for D, but for my brother, for my parents, for me and my sister and at the time fiancé – whose family makeup was drastically re-defined by the arrival of this little guy.         

What a year it has been for this beautiful (yes I am a biased auntie) little boy. Moving from a foster family in his birth town to his grandparents in the big city meant his first plane ride, his first steps were taken on Christmas eve with family around him, his first birthday was spent with grandparents, aunties and extended family.  The summer was spent at the beach where he got to get to know his daddy and mommy and new baby brother, and the fall consisted of Daddy and brother moving in with Grandma and Grandpa and re-establishing the bond that will help him transition back living with daddy and brother sometime in the upcoming year.

D and Dj.

D is one of the lucky ones. I love this boy to pieces, and he has family that loves him and is willing to sacrifice their own lives and comfort to make sure he is not ‘lost in the system’, family that is willing to work with his dad to get him to a place where D can go home and grow up with his biological family.

This experience has left me with a deep sorrow for those children who aren’t so lucky. The ones whose parents are unlikely to have the means to parent again, the ones who don’t have support of extended family to jump in. The child who have legally been cut off from the change of ever going ‘home’ and are living in houses and family’s that will never be home as they face an uncertain future with no promise of forever. I have so many dreams of bringing children home. Giving them a permanent family. BUT… I hate the word ‘but’, it keeps popping up where its not wanted, and here it is again. (Warning: the next part of this post is brutally honest, so bear with me!)


 – We hardly have the money to take care of ourselves right now, indeed there are bills that haven’t been paid on time in the recent past.

 – We only got married 7 months ago…and although I am married to an amazing man, I don’t feel ready to put the stress and pressures of adding children onto our relationship yet. We would step in for a family member in an emergency, but to add voluntarily to our family feels premature.

– I also know my husband is not confident he can handle a child with “extra needs/baggage” at this point in time. Although we have talked from the beginning about adopting at some point, adopting a child out of foster care implies that these children have already experienced much more loss or trauma then a newborn does (Both my husband and I were adopted as newborns with good relationships with our birth families), simply being that children are not removed from “amazing ideal” homes, but from ones that for whatever reason were not able to be the family the child needed at the point in time the child was removed.

– we have a renter downstairs, who already has complained about noise…how could we add a child with all the extra noise and still maintain the cash flow from renting the basement as we would need it even more?

– many of the children in foster care in our area have an aboriginal background and we are not aboriginal…therefore I feel like we would  not even be considered for many children who need families.

– my heart aches for the older ones, the 13-15 year old girls who are so close to falling into homelessness, drugs, poverty, prostitution if they don’t have someone who is willing to commit to them despite their age, challenges, or survival skills of manipulation or bad behavior. But I am only in my mid-20’s myself, who am I to think I can parent someone who is barely 10 years younger then myself

– We are still undecided about having biological children. Being adopted, I don’t necessarily feel a draw to needing a child that is biologically related to me, but I don’t know I am ready to give up the experience of having a child from infancy and experience the miracle of giving life. And if we do have a biological child, will we then feel the need to pursue only children that are younger then that child? In which case I struggle with the idea of waiting to be matched for years when there are still older children who desperately need homes?

– I still have schooling to finish, and I feel like I will be more prepared to deal with the complexities of a foster care adoption as I complete my BSW. But I may still be many years away from finishing it as I am taking a break from school to work for a while and get some experience in the field.

Some days these feel like excuses and I feel guilty that I haven’t figured out a way around them or to remedy them as every day a child stays a ward of state, is another day that they are missing out on what they deserve, a permanent family. Other days I know that it is of no benefit to anyone; myself, a child, or my husband, to pursue anything of this nature before we are ready…but I worry. Will we ever be at a place where we are “ready”?

Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. – James 1:27


3 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. seespeakhearmama
    Jan 03, 2013 @ 00:20:56

    I enjoyed your very compassionate view on this topic….blessings to you as you seek the Lords direction in all things. Happy New Year!


  2. Love Many Trust Few
    Jan 05, 2013 @ 10:36:05

    Your little nephew is definitely a lucky little boy, but it sounds like you have a very special family. You have a very keen awareness of the realities of the foster care system and the needs of kids who find themselves in ‘the system’. I know that fostering is not for everyone. Some people and their circumstances are just not a good fit for fostering. That doesn’t make them a better/worse person. I didn’t start fostering until I was in my forties, though I had thought about it for a long time, I wasn’t in the right place in my life. So…my (unasked for) advice would be to enjoy where you are in your life. If the time comes when you know that it is the right thing for your family, then you will be an amazing foster carer..


  3. Carla
    Jan 07, 2013 @ 00:19:45

    Keep trusting God’s timing in it! I had that same burden that you do for years. Little by little, experience after experience, year after year, God prepared us for the children he had for us both biological and adopted. Looking back he prepared us for things we probably would have been terrified of a decade ago. It was only a few years ago that my husband insisted he was NOT interested in adoption at all….it’s pretty cool how the providential hand of God puts us right where we need to be at the right time, and the Holy Spirit changes hears, guides and leads. Just keep your heart soft and broken…and the Lord will fulfill that dream.


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